Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Behind Closed Doors of Video Game Characters

Mario and Luigi
Mario has a tough life. He is constantly having to run off, face tremendous dangers and mobile death leading platforms to rescue a Princess he shares a strange romantic yet platonic relationship with. His brother Luigi is under constant pressure living in Mario’s shadow and never quite shining as brightly, even though he’s had some fan favourite games of his own.

The guys are also plumbers, but when did you last hear of them actually being hired? Plus with the worldwide recession, tradesmen are needed, but probably not making as much money as before. But hey that’s ok so long as you murder moving vegetables and collect the cash that magically erupts from the cold dead evaporated bodies.

It’s not easy being these two, so every now and again (or quite frequently as it were), they might succumb to stress and enjoy some mushrooms,  get that high, feel invincible and for as long as it lasts, their worries are swept aside.

Gordon Freeman

You were just a scientiest, going to work one day. Suddenly, apocalypse. Earth is not what is was before you set off on that monorail. And for some reason you’re the guy who has to fix it all. It’s expected, people know your name, but you don’t know theirs. You go from being a regular dude who walks around in a lab coat all day, to being a dude in a hazmat suit, wielding a ton of weapons and suffering from probably dreadful back pain carrying them all. Plus who knows where the crowbar ends up getting wedged.

People don’t ever question why you don’t speak, they just assume it’s your way. But they don’t know you’re mute, they assume they know what you’re going to say and go on their business and make decisions for you. But you can’t scream, though you have a mouth. You’re a walking Harlan Ellison book, with a beard.

Then there’s that little git, the gnome. He’s the bane of your life more than the Combine. He just smiles at you as you risk your life to bring him through various deadly courses. He flings out of your buggy go-kart car and you have to risk being a human bullet sponge to pick him back up. As for that car. Don’t get me started. It’s fun to drive, it does the job, but who decided that you weren’t even worth a little bit of plating to prevent death?! No one knows how hard you have it, maybe they would if they gave you time to drop your weapons, pick up a pen and write your feelings.

Though the Gnome would probably wee all over the page anyway.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Oh Sonic, remember the days when your main goals in life were traversing one end of the level to the next as fast as you could, collecting rings, bopping enemies on the head and defeating Dr Robotnik and then chilling with Tails. Remember how Tails wasn’t exactly the most tolerable creature to put up with (that voice). Then it all went down hill didn’t it? You gained more friends, each one a weird amagalmation of real world animal and a colouring book filled by a child having a sugar fit. You think the reputation of bad games is all you have to deal with, because your personal image is still ok, you’re a cool blue hedgehog that everyone loves. But then you realise…some people love you a little too much.

You take  a day off from running, you get curious and Google yourself. What harm can come from it? But then you click on something called Deviantart and there’s not enough bleach in the world to wash away what you see. People have taken your image and cruedly MsPainted abs, biceps and a big blue peen attached to you. You’re doing obscene things to Amy Rose and even worse to Knuckles. People have written fanfictions of you, depicting sordid acts, not even the Marquis De Sade would have known about.
You are no longer just the Sega mascot, you are wet dream initiator of furry land.

Morrigan, Morrigan, Morrigan. People are prejudice agaist your kind, your mother is Flemeth and has hinted that she could have ate you as a baby and you might have had to sleep with Allistair, in order to give birth to some, possible dragon baby that looks like a character from the Goonies.
I suppose at least you’re hot and have a saucy voice though.

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