Tuesday, 27 January 2015

The Dangers of Being a Person who Plays Video Games

Let’s start this off bold and true. The ancient Greek for the word cramps, translates as "Oh lord this is how I am going to die, there is no hope. Amputate the leg". When you game, the main part of your body that undergoes any kind of movement is your hands. Even your eyeballs barely move, as you traverse through whatever level of whatever genre of game you're playing. If you have the Kinect and exclusively play using motion controls, you may only ever endure injuries such as slipping, tripping or face planting the television screen.

As these are temporary, cramps are eternal in the moment. Cramps are your body’s way of reminding you that you are loathed from within. When you stay in a fixed position for an excessive amount of time, cramping can occur. But you may think to yourself "What if I move and stretch a bit every hour". Well my friend, sometimes cramps occur just as you're about to move and then you're well and truly in trouble, because your balance is thrown off, your life flashes before your eyes and as you stumbled and fall through your TV, your neighbours wonder are you enjoying some masturbatory pleasures or are you hacking your own leg, due to the noises and curse words you will omit. Believe me; you will curse like you never have before.

Self Loathing
There's nothing quite like buying a new video game and playing it. I mean that's what you do right....you don't buy games and then leave them untouched do you? Well some of us do, especially when there are sales on.

But we slip up; we let down those that are digitally closest to us. We think that we’re supporting indie developers and broadening our gaming horizons, but half the stuff we buy will be unloved and uninstalled for quite some time. That can lead to many feelings, such as hatred (of ourselves and the game for existing and the person who deemed a sale wave a good idea), disappointment, lack of fulfillment and finally gas.

Loss of Limbs
Now you probably won’t actually lose your limbs, as in they will fall off or vanish, but you will temporarily lose the use of your legs. This occurs when a gamer assumes the primal position of either A) sitting in a semi comfortable chair and leaning inappropriately or B) playing games on your bed, thus ensuring your legs remain in a painful straight formation that cannot be changed because it will completely alter, for the worse, your ability to actually play a game.

There’s no way of winning. Don’t even fall for the “If I get a gamer chair, not only will I be comfortable but I’ll be super cool”. You won’t. It’s all lies and your butt won’t feel any better. In fact the statistics for “death by attempting to get up for a low seated gaming chair” are quite staggering.

Distorted Reality
Gaming affects us and causes us to murderise people, this has been fact since 2003. So naturally the more we dedicate our time to video games, the more likely that our everyday lives that are detached will become warped.
You’ll assume you can get a date with a hot stranger, in real life, just by exercising a sequence of quick time events that only you see in your crazy, crazy mind.

Someone will holler childish remarks about your Princess Peach T-shirt and your retaliation will be an attempted hadouken to their being, which will result in flat out embarrassing yourself and your friends to death. Ball is life, game is not ball, therefore life is not you. Heed these words and tippeth not your hat at fair maidens.

Gaming Media
Some people can play video games and leave it at that, remaining blissfully unaware of the urban myths come to life or the terrible, ethic scorching sordid dramas that unfold within the industry that is gaming.
But you’re not just a gamer are you, you’re someone who uses the internet and by that default, you’re screwed. It starts with accidentally coming across an article or a post about something supposedly scandalous. You convince yourself the continued perusal is healthy, it’s informative and then you notice that it’s gotten darker outside, the clock has gone forward by an alarming amount and you didn’t even realise that you yourself, just finished posting a 5 page long Tumblr post about something that happened in gaming that you don’t really even know much information about.

But the seed has been planted and you are no longer your former self. You have changed, you have assimilated. You’re a moaning twat on the internet. It’s ok…ssssh….we all are.

Sacrifice of other loves
No more films, no books, no more eating food that wasn’t destined to permanently reside rent free in your veins and pores.

Look what you did!!

On June 25th, 1996, a man called Hubert decided that because he played video games and was very white, he therefore knew more about everything that existed in the world and will exist. This lead to a change in his online text based communications and would begin to creep into his verbal social interactions as well. Hubert became the first snob ever in the world and his disease spread exponentially.

As multiplayer became a more prominent means of gaming for many, the snobbery grew. People would use newly formed dialect to disparage other gamers and shatter their confidence

Video games were the precursor to such social fads as “racism” and “homophobia
The dangers of video game snobbery are made known when you start to claim that someone has not been enlightened unless they’ve played games such as Braid. You’ll scoff at anyone who hasn’t played retro games and does not already have a worryingly large collection of SNES games that are completely shit to play no matter what the decade. The terms “master race” will blurt out of your mouth with an air of utter seriousness and you’ll wish fiery death on people that say they don’t need the best graphics either. And don’t get us started on people who count mobile and flash insults to the art, as a method of gaming.

Disclaimer: Please remember to game responsibly. It is a dangerous hobby, some would say it’s not even a hobby, it’s a life style….or quite possibly a LIFE SENTENCE!

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